Push Backs and ISATs: Closing the Achievement Gap

Where has professionalism gone?

2009-03-26T12:41:00.002-04:00

While I don't find myself in the exact profession that I had so desired as a young child (unfortunately the fear of blood and needles quickly squashed the neurosurgeon and cardiologist dreams among the many others), I still attend to my job with the utmost respect and diligence to the field. People will argue that education is THE answer to solving many of the blights on our country's record: poverty, racism, unemployment, intolerance, financial crises.

One would likely conclude that in order to bring education to the forefront and proclaim its healing effects to the world, those who are behind the doors of this miracle potion would be steadfast, strong individuals who reflected the purity of the institution.

Wrong.

As an educator, it can become quite easy to mirror the sentiments of the students, mimicking the "I didn't do it" mentality that frustrates all of us on a daily basis. During a discussion with a fellow teacher at lunch today, she proclaimed that using her cell phone during class was her right because she wasn't paid enough and she had to eat her lunch standing up.

Excuse me?

First, this is completely faulty logic. No single connection exists between your actions on your mobile technology and your salary. Perhaps that only connection is how expensive of a cell phone you may purchase on your teacher's salary. But, this marks a tangent to your original argument of personal responsibility (or lack thereof).

The constant battles facing educators today is overwhelming. Contraband items that are approved in some classrooms and not others; behavior that is deemed acceptable by some teachers and reviled by others. Without a sense of uniformity, how does the system succeed?

It will not until the professional attitude of teachers is revitalized. Teachers should not be texting during class. Teachers should not be using Facebook during an exam. Teachers should not stoop to the same immature behaviors and petty arguments that they forge against in their classrooms. Salaries are palsy, but if you signed up to be a teacher for the money, you most certainly belong in a different institution.

Snow Day 2009

2009-01-20T18:40:00.004-05:00

Although it was only a workday (and one that I had previously requested off-- lucky me), today was a celebrated day here in North Carolina. While (most of) the rest of the country watched the inauguration of our 44th president, some of us found more childish joy in the simple weather fixture of snowfall.

This was Blake's first major interaction with snow, and I delighted in watching him take such joy from the occasion. It was quite romantic laying in bed this morning while the snow whipped through the trees and danced on the windowpanes. It made me wish so badly that I could just stay and not have to return to the Henderson life.

Alas, I have returned. The final semester starts on Thursday. 90 days and counting.

Adoption

2009-01-16T09:43:00.003-05:00

Blake and I have taken the plunge and made our first adoption. Unlike most other people, we didn't bring a new animal into our house. We certainly didn't take in a child either (which sometimes could be considered an animal, but regardless).

No, Blake and I have actually adopted a solider who is stationed in Afghanistan. Our requirements are to send a letter each week and to send a care package once a month. We though this would be a great opportunity to brighten the life of someone who has put theirs on the line for the United States.

We wrote our first letter this week, which (as the agency said) would be the most difficult to write. What do you write to someone that you don't know anything about outside of their name and rank?

We've also talked about having my students this semester write letters, which I think would be fabulous. There's not a great chance that the solider will be able to write back, but think of the learning strategies (as well as humanitarian emphasis) a project like this could provide!

It's been a long time...

2008-12-28T16:45:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure when the time started to slip away but I'm several months in the hole from my last post and much has transpired.

Life in Henderson continues to progress. When we return from break, we will have six more days of the semester and four days of exams to follow. Then, I will be OFFICIALLY halfway done. I can't believe it. This has become a far stronger motivational tool than perhaps I would care to admit.

My students seem to have progressed both academically and behaviorally. One of my least favorite students was suspended prior to the break-- what a Christmas present. I think I may achieve the "significant gain" label this year. On some levels that really irks me from last year. I worked SO HARD-- and to achieve...what? Nothing, according to TFA. Well, I'm not letting the organization dictate to me what level of success I may or may not achieve.

Things with Blake and I are still going incredibly well. We celebrating Christmas Eve together, which was wonderful. I've never actually celebrated Christmas with a significant other for the entire day. He tried to make it as special as possible (he was quite successful). I was excited for him to open his presents from me. Being the neurotic female that I can be, I tried to make my gifts thematic: a red dress shirt and tie, a gift card to dinner at Sullivan's steakhouse and tickets to the NC symphony in February. He totally surprised me with an iPod Nano (to go with my Nike shoes and the adapter so now I can TRULY train for my half-marathon in March!), a new digital camera and the DVD of Wall-E. Dinner consistent of lyonnaise potatoes, honey-baked turkey, steamed sugar snapped peas and Brussels sprouts (yum).

I traveled back out to Arizona on Christmas Day and have been celebrating with my family since. Yesterday I had the opportunity to ride the NEW light rail in downtown Phoenix-- how fantastic! While the last trip was utterly crowded and stressful, overall I enjoyed the new technology available in this city and hope that people take advantage of it.

Year 2 Commences

2008-09-14T19:41:00.003-04:00

Well, by commences, I'm referring to the start of week 4. I have become lazy in the world of blogging (at least not in other areas of my life).

This year started out leaps and bounds better than last year. I have a majority of the same students, which is both a blessing and a curse (just for a few though).

What's Changed:

-My non-nonsense approach to discipline-- sending students out right and left, calling parents in front of the class on my cell and demanding they talk to their students

-Accountability on organization: students must keep folders organized in my class at all times

-Participation: Students earn stamps by coming and participating everyday; this has worked like a godsend

-New location: I'm down in the belly of the beast of our school; in a lot of ways, it's nice to be in a more secluded area. I'm not disturbed by high volumes of traffic or the numerous fights that have taken place thus far this semester. Of course, if and when we do need security, it can take a little more time than we would like.

-the students have more opportunities to work in the community and the school this semester than last, which is fantastic since they count on these hours to earn them a high school diploma

Overall, I feel that the school year is going well. Of course, there have been numerous instances of me wondering why I am doing this to myself again for another year. Luckily, those moments are far and few between.

We have a lot of new Teach for America teachers at our school this year (7!), and I've tried to become a resource to them, especially to the two assigned to EC. I understand their struggles as first-year teachers, especially in a challenging area. However, I feel that a few of them aren't reaching out in the ways that they should and need to. It's a tad frustrating from my perspective, but perhaps the second years felt like that last year.

Outside of school, I'm spending every weekend with Blake. I've spend the majority down in Cary thus far due to the fact that he's transition as far as housing locations. Plus, coming down Cary is such a treat for me-- I realize how essential it is for me to leave Henderson (unlike what I did last year at this time)

I've been diligently training for my races as well. I completed a 5 mile run this week, which was fantastic. Looking to do that again this week.

It's amazing how Google Calendar can make the time seem to fly by. Less than 170 days left...

Soakin' up in the sun in the desert...

2008-07-27T22:36:00.003-04:00

I have returned to the Valley of the Sun for a brief vacation to celebrate numerous family birthdays and to reconnect with close friends and relatives. So far, my visit has been incredibly enjoyable. We celebrated my aunt's birthday yesterday with various salads (including a delicious wild rice/blueberries/walnuts/chicken salad) and games (a riveting game of Guesstures). Today I had the opportunity to visit with Mike and Joelle before they begin their trek to Michigan tomorrow morning. I have some projects of my own that need attention, and eventually I'll end up at my dad's house later in the week to celebrate his birthday (and Ryan's from two weeks ago). Laura and Dani will both be making appearances next weekend, which is fabulous since I didn't think I was going to have the opportunity to see either.

I will admit-- it's hard being away from Blake. I have gotten so used to seeing him at the beginning and end of every day; this is more of a reality check for the upcoming school year.

Speaking of which, I cannot believe how prepared I already feel for this school year. I certainly have much more to do since I have to basically start over in my classroom. However, the prior knowledge I have makes me feel much more relieved about where I need to take my students (as far as academic and life skills gains). I have some new creations to add to this years mix (some thanks to my ingenious boyfriend). For example:

-Classroom visual tracking charts where students will be able to see their progress against the rest of the class
-Individual tracking sheets
-80% Wall of Fame
-Classroom Blog
-More accountability for mailboxes
-Weekly quizzes (every Friday!)
-Guest speakers
-More field trip opportunities
-Review game in a box

and more...

Of course, I still have apprehensions about this upcoming year. I'm going to be down in the basement of the school (great place to put the EC Department). This means I will have to be more aware of my surroundings as security and the administration will be much further away. I hope the other new 8 TFA teachers at my school have a positive experience, and I want to do anything in my power to make it so.

I will be posting pictures from our Asheville trip soon.

A much overdue post

2008-06-23T14:58:00.003-04:00

June 11, 2008 marked the official ending of my first year of teaching. I survived.

The last few weeks up until the final day were a whirlwind of activities and emotions. One of the hardest parts was that a student of mine from the previous semester, who had been battling leukemia for months, finally passed away in the comforts of his home with his family present. I felt a sense of so much injustice; unfortunately, there's always more lurking around every corner, so it's not healthy to become too vexed.

My classroom resembled more of a tomb in the last week as all the color and life were stripped down from the walls in order to administer state exams. The halls were quiet (for once) and the teachers almost downright giddy. Of course, EOC and VoCats had all of us on our toes. Our scores did improve from last year but not to the level we had hoped. The Extend-2 scores (the tests that my students take) will not be back until the fall, so we'll have to wait and see how they did.

Summer started with a bang: Blake and I were off to Monterey, California for his best friend's wedding. After many hours of traveling, Blake and I enjoyed ourselves immensely; we ate delicious seafood, walked along the infamous Cannery Row (now I'm reading Steinbeck's account of the bustling seaport), toured the aquarium, did some window shopping, and, ultimately, attended the wedding, which took place at the Post-Graduate Naval Academy. While the wedding was small and a bit chaotic at times, it was overall very nice; I had the opportunity to sit with the groom's parents (as Blake was part of the wedding party) and had an interesting conversation between them and the priest.

Since we've been back, I've been keeping myself busy with projects around the apartment, cooking, baking, reading, working on exams/long-term plans/lesson plans for next semester, exercising, and relaxing. We're going camping this weekend, most likely at Carolina Beach State Park. I've never been camping at a beach, so this will be a first in that regard for me; Blake's NEVER been camping, so he's trusting himself completely to my knowledge this weekend. I knew I did Camp Wildcat for something.

At this point, I couldn't be happier. Summer vacation has taken on a COMPLETELY new meaning, and I'm soaking up each moment of it before it fades away.

Celebrating 23 in style...

2008-05-24T07:32:00.003-04:00

While I never thought that I would be spending a birthday teaching in rural North Carolina, I actually had quite the enjoyable "Golden Birthday" experience yesterday. From the multiple hugs and birthday wishes I received from my students to their excited faces when the 11 pizzas arrived (at 10:30am, mind you) for their anticipated pizza party. Luckily, my students were on their best behavior, as opposed to Thursday when 4th period decided to show my mom their true colors (ugh). Everyone was in jovial spirits, which made the day fly by (even the IEP meeting that lasted almost 2 hours).

And then, last night, I had the opportunity of going to Ichibar with 15 wonderful individuals (including my mom and many TFAs)-- the food was delicious, the conversation uproarious...and there was lemon cake waiting for me at home (!)

It was hard not to spend the day with other people that I care much about (Blake, dad, Dani, Laura, Garrett, etc.) but through text messages and phone calls, we were able to connect across the miles.

Mom and I are on our way to D.C. in about 20 minutes on this rainy Saturday. Hello Capital!

The last Monday

2008-05-19T20:11:00.003-04:00

Today marked the last Monday that I had to teach this academic year. Next Monday is Memorial Day and the following Monday will begin the EOC/Vocat/Extend-2 bonanza. It wasn't a typical Monday: most of my students were actually well-behaved (especially 4th period), which marked a highly pleasant (albeit unusual) change.

I knew that this month would be a whirlwind of activity, but I had no idea to what degree. From 9 IEP meetings last week, 7 this week and 5 more to culminate the Annual Review process next week, from writing exams last week to attempting cumulative Final Exams for next week, from my dad/stepmom visiting two weekends ago and spending time in Durham, Chapel Hill and Raleigh, from the upcoming arrival of my mom (Wednesday) as well as my 23rd birthday, and, of course, from spending every moment possible with Blake and preparing for a summer of togetherness. I'll be adding a trip to Monterery to my calendar as I will accompany him to his best friend's wedding in the middle of June (and continue to abstain from studying for the dreaded LSAT). Our new roommate will be moving in around that time here in Henderson. I'm finally recuperating from two sinus infections and bronchitis.

Whew. 9 more days. In honor of these last days, John and I are now rocking out to T. Payne's "Buy U a Drink".

Best line: "Let's get drunk and forget what we did." Classy. Maybe second only to: "We're in the bed like ooo, ooo...."

A haiku from Blake for me

2008-05-08T17:01:00.001-04:00

blue eyes reflect sun
intensity evolves depth
anticipation

From Arizona and back

2008-05-08T16:52:00.002-04:00

A week ago today, I headed down to Blake's for the evening as I would be departing from Raleigh bright and early Friday for Tucson, Arizona. Originally, I had planned on going back to Senior Send-off, which is a Camp Wildcat traditional event that honors the seniors; the evening caps off with a progressive dinner, which eventually leads into a giant party. However, members of Camp Wildcat changed the event (in what was dubbed quite the battle) to this coming weekend. Therefore, my trip back to Tucson was much more carefree than I had originally anticipated.

It was fabulous. From walking around campus, Bentley's with Sam, 4th Avenue shopping and listening to sweet jazz with Grace, staying with Garrett and AJ, breakfast at the Egg Connection, brunch with Michael and Joelle at Millie's Pancake House, dinner out at Guilin's (and ordering my favorite: vegetarian sizzling rice soup!), playing Mario Kart on the 64, Club Congress with Laura, Tina and Matt; an Epic Cafe stop, a large group dinner at El Charro Cafe with a side of a prickly pear margarita; hiking in Sabino Canyon with Garrett, Lucy and AJ early Saturday morning; meeting new and old C-Dubbers at the park social; throwing around some water balloons and continuing the Chocolate War; and more. I saw wonderful people, soaked in the sun and realized how important Tucson was and still is to me.

The major downside was developing a nasty chest cold, which kept me home Monday from school (well, kept me with Blake, which wasn't really ALL that bad...) ;) I did visit a doctor in Cary; the good news: not bronchitis. I have started to feel better but have yet to sleep through the night yet, even with a nighttime cough syrup. Hopefully this weekend will kick the rest of it out of me.

And I must get better because my dad and stepmom are actually in town right now! Their plane was slated to land at 4:30pm, and they're coming up to Henderson for the next few nights. Tomorrow they are planning on coming to my classroom, and Saturday we'll spend the day near the triangle area. I'm SO excited to see them and show them my North Carolina life.

A week of connection...

2008-05-02T10:40:00.004-04:00

Although I only interacted with my students for four of the five days this week (as I write this from the Dallas-Fortworth Airport), I felt that I really connected to some of them on levels that i had not been able to before...and it was refreshing and filled me with a sense of renewal.

On Wednesday, I took my first two periods full of mostly sophomores, juniors and a few seniors (and a handful of freshman) to a Vocational Rehabilitation facility in Goldsboro. VR is basically a post-secondary school for individuals with disabilities to receive specialized training and career development. The programs last about 6 months, and the students can pursue fields such as auto mechanics, carpentry, child care, nursing, printing, welding, etc. This is an amazing opportunity for my students to actual work on a marketable and employable skill while leaving Vance County. I think a few of their interests were piqued; we might have to make a follow-up return next year.

Spending time with them outside the classroom is always enjoyable though. Sometimes even the oldest students reflects the mere image of a child, just wanting that positive reinforcement. It's hard sometimes not to want to associate them as my babies, children, etc. In many ways I do feel like a maternal figure, helping them pay for lunch, fix their clothes, listen to their worries...

Yesterday, I took about 8 students around the school to pick up the recycling, which again was just another "wow" moment: it wasn't their actions at the present but I could see how much they have developed since August. Some of my most problematic students from first semester are now shining and rising above the rest this spring. It gives me hope for several of my 4th period students for next year.

When one of my freshman heard that I was going to Arizona this weekend, he asked me if I was coming back. I told him that I would be back in the classroom on Monday, and he responded: "That's good. That's very good." Another one then piped up: "You have to stay here until I graduate." A few others said that same thing. I've heard this before from my sophomores too, and it makes it harder to think that I will only spend one more year of my life trying to shape theirs.

Yet, I know that I must put me first and what lies ahead. After the trip to VR, a new job opportunity might be on the horizon: actually working for VR as either a case manager or working at a facility.

Another wonderful weekend

2008-04-27T13:37:00.002-04:00

Blake ventured up to Henderson this past weekend (MUCH earlier than previously expected!) to experience what rural living is all about.

I tried to show him the sights and sounds of Henderson (no Wal-Mart though) but he did get to feast his eyes upon the infamous "Legs" ("Reminisce"), tromp through the woods at Fox Pound, hang out at Food Lion, check out my classroom, throw his cob of corn into the woods ("woodsing" it), play a little Wii sports and drive down the streets of downtown. He still has yet to visit the dump, but I'm sure I can arrange that for his next trip.

We chaperoned Prom together (see hot couple on left)-- it was held at Vance-Granville Community College. The students looked amazing; the facility was decorated quite nicely and the ambiance was quite elegant. Many other teachers were there; we dipped out early after our two-hour stint was up.

I had some firsts this weekend, some of which I won't repeat for awhile (well, just one: eating red meat. We grilled hamburgers Friday night, which tasted amazing. Unfortunately, after just eating another one, I feel like my heart is going to stop beating. I think I'll slip back into my no red meat/pork role very comfortably).

It's hard to believe that one week from today I will be leaving Tucson, Arizona. I'm looking forward to visiting friends, the campus and my favorite Tucson hotspots. It will be hard not to spend the weekend with Blake, but he's kind enough to drive me to the airport at a ridiculous hour on Friday morning.

It's also hard to believe that my family will be here in less than two weeks, the number of school days are diminishing and the LSAT is looming (ugh).

It's true: life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.

A new week begins...

2008-04-21T18:52:00.002-04:00

and already the hum and motors mixed in with feelings of being overwhelmed have set in. That seems to be the case for most Mondays though.

After a fabulous weekend full of romantic dinners, a walk by the lake, picture viewing, entanglement and other various enigmatic activities with Blake, I returned to Henderson already filled with the desire to leave. I am filled with duality, almost feeling duplicitous. As I pondered the produce at Wal-Mart tonight (uhhhh), I thought of how envious I am of being in Cary who have venues like Fresh Market to enjoy while I fight the entire city of Henderson for a spot in the check-out.

Teach for Cary? Not likely.

Disappointment: one of my students stole the USB cable that connected my copier/scanner to my laptop. Cost: $25. I wish I could say I felt resigned to the thought of my students taking another object out of my life and putting into their own (for who knows what reason). However, the frustration doesn't seem to dissipate.

Highlight: Hillary Clinton called when John and I were cooking dinner. We chuckled because if Hillary really knew how to treat North Carolina voters, she would NOT call during dinner. Doesn't she understand that south?

Under the weather Wednesday

2008-04-16T08:04:00.002-04:00

After battling with a sore throat, runny nose and an increasingly croupy-sounding cough, I called in sick today for school. I'm exhausted and now I can feel it more in my chest, which makes me worried since Adam just got over bronchitis. I'm going to try to get into the doctor's office today and get on a steroid in order to curb any worsening of symptoms/infections.

I hate calling in sick to jobs, especially as an educator. I feel that I should be able to make it and fight through it. But, I realize that standing up in front of students for 6 hours is not a good way to get better. This is not the time of year to try and be tough. I need to take care of myself now. Also, when I don't feel well in front of the students, I think they can sense it...and I tend to lose my patience a lot more easily (as demonstrated in 4th period yesterday where I erased their entire "Raffle" due to my frustration of their inability to complete my task and follow directions).

Today's plans: sleep, doctor, sleep and feel better. We'll see if I can make it tomorrow.

A simple twist of fate

2008-04-13T18:53:00.003-04:00

After a decent week at school (minus the comment from an administrator that my class is "too visible" and hence I shall be moved next year), I had an amazing weekend, much to my own surprise. Blake and I had our third date scheduled for Saturday, which was originally going to be a hike. However, due to inclement weather (as is the case in NC), we opted to go to the science museum in Raleigh instead. Although slightly heavy on the dioramas, it was overall educational and interesting-- but the key ingredient was that I was having a fabulous time with Blake. How funny to think that I thought we might not make it past the first date, and here I am now, swooning, if you will. He's wonderful and I'm excited to see how this unfolds.

The weeks continue to slip by as the year draws to an end. Two more weeks and I'll be back in Arizona for a brief stint. The recent cancellation of flights by American Airlines (my carrier) has me a tad worried, but I'll be ever-optimistic that things will go smoothly.

This past week I was offered a job as a tennis coach for a summer league here in Henderson. I would need to be here the end of June through mid-July, which is when I was going to go back to Arizona. I hope there is pay involved, but I'm not going to get my hopes up. I might then retreat home in late July for a couple of weeks (not like there's pay waiting for me there anyway).

It's fantastic to have something (and someone) to look forward to, again.

A visitor!

2008-04-04T08:28:00.003-04:00

My best friend since 2nd grade (where we connected during a play about the importance of dental hygiene-- I played the tooth and she was the floss. It was friendship at first gloss) will be here in just a couple of hours! I am thrilled-- she is my first visitor from Arizona to North Carolina (well, with the exception of Laura's initial drive out here). The weather is temperamental so we will probably stick indoors for the duration of the weekend.

This week was an up and down week. Nothing too bad happened-- just dealt with a lot of bad attitudes on Monday and yesterday (the bane of a four-day school week and the return from Spring Break). I completed my headcount for the April 1st deadline with plenty of time to spare, which was great. And-- I even got to plan a lot for next week, which will make life on Sunday a lot easier.

39 more school days.

Dramatic ending?

2008-03-28T11:01:00.002-04:00

Perhaps things weren't as rosy as first perceived on the dating circuit.

I lamented my woes to Garrett, who could tell I wanted to give up. Part of me does. Part of me doesn't. Can good luck strike twice? Is it even good luck? I don't know the answers to these questions, but I do know that I'm not as eager for any more dates. That's a fact.

I drew a timeline for my dating history. It will be posted soon.

Two movie recommendations: Michael Clayton and Things We Lost in the Fire. Both excellent; however, they cater to much different audiences. Psychological thriller versus emotional unraveling of the human condition.

Nearing the end of the break...

2008-03-27T08:11:00.004-04:00

It has, overall, been the most relaxing, rejuvenating, and refreshing Spring Break that I have had. I don't regret not leaving the state (although I was a little disheartened about our Vegas plans). But even those plans can be salvaged during the time known as summer vacation.

In accordance with one of my guilty pleasures (making lists), I have kept myself busy this week:

-going on THREE dates in FOUR days. That might mark a new record of mine. The first was pretty ok, the second was fabulous and the third was alright until I found out that he didn't like anything on his sandwiches other than the meat and the bread. I can't handle that. Date number 2 and I have round two this afternoon at the Museum of Life and Science in Durham.

-honing my green thumb as I worked the plot of land next to our house and planted a variety of flowers in the bed. I also purchased a window box and two terracotta pots and planted more flowers AND an herb garden (rosemary, oregano, cilantro and basil). I hope it works. The last time I owned a plant (my beloved Fred), I pretty much killed it and then somebody stole it off my front step. I wish I knew who did it and what they did with Fred.

-a Trader Joe's run (yesssssssssssssssss)

-small projects around the house, mostly involving cleaning (the entire kitchen, the family room, the refrigerator)

-reading Richard Wright's "Black Boy" with due diligence (becauseit is 2 weeks overdue at the library)

-watching NCAA tournament action (there has been such a lull since Sunday). Like most individuals, my bracket is totally screwed. However, my final four teams are all still in, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a Carolina/UCLA match-up.

-and the trifecta of sleeping well, eating well and working out

I feel (well, minus a slight onset of allergies) great. In fact, I haven't felt this good since I moved out here. I will be ready to go back to school next week and get back into my routine, but this time with a renewed sense. Dani will be here next weekend (!) and there are really only two more months of teaching left. It's SO hard to believe that I'm almost done.

Another twist that has developed over SB is that I am more than likely going to buy a new car in the next couple of months. My father offered to go with me if I bought one in Arizona, but that means I would have to drive my car BACK out there (oh Pierre...can he make it?) but if my step-brother went with me, I would feel much more inclined. Unfortunately, part of the problem with Pierre is that his front vents don't work...so that might be the hottest drive of my life. True, the floor vents work but let me tell you how effective that is to keep the car cool: it's not. So, I'm looking at a few options of cars, including the Kia Sportage. The thought of ANOTHER payment makes me shudder. I already have little to no disposable income and will be cutting into my money market as soon as school ends. It's probably a good idea I didn't go to the outlet malls this week.

Where's my refund check, Mr. President? May is not soon enough.

Are you recyclable?

2008-03-20T18:27:00.002-04:00

So, in pursuit of attempting to better the world, I kicked off a recycling program at school. Well, I actually wanted to do it to: a) diminish the waste caused by all the new water vending machines; b) create another outlet for my students to earn school-based hours; and c) attempt to invoke some environmental-awareness in a city and county where many folks continue to burn their trash (can someone say carcinogens??)

However, this recycling has taken on a life of its own. I recently tried to get the city of Henderson give us recycling bins for our school. My request of 30 was denied and now have been redirected to write a grant (sigh). I think I will need to create some makeshift boxes to use in classrooms after Spring Break.

Today marked the tipping point when I had eight garbage bags full of recycling shoved in my car. I swung by the dump after-school and tried to empty out as many bags as possible. However, the plastic container was quite full, and I realized after pitching two bags that I was not going to be able to get rid of all of them. I pulled the last bag out of the backseat, left the rest in the trunk, and proceeded to start emptying it by hand so I could throw the bottles in the back.

And then I came to the realization that this was not how I wanted to be spending my Thursday night at 5:45pm. I then took the rest of the bag and dropped it into the garbage.

Take that, recycling.

Tomorrow will be our last day before the coveted Spring Break. This has been a mostly pain-free week with the exception of a slight verbal confrontation with another grown person over the use of a disrespectful phrase, some wild behavior from my students, a decision to stop a certain pursuit (not one based on academic achievement!) and not enough sleep.

Trucking through another week...

2008-03-12T21:25:00.004-04:00

Compared to last week, this week has been amazing. My students have made academic progress; they're working at their sites around school and the community. I feel much more alert and ready for each new day. The smell of Spring Break around the corner helps too. I'm starting to build more concrete plans for my vacation. Pierre needs to go see the mechanic; he's hurting inside a little bit (plus he definitely needs an oil change. Oops).

I'm planning on spending a few days up in D.C. during the middle of the week. A friend from home was originally planning on flying out here to view Duke and Georgetown as potential law schools. I'm not sure if that trip is still on. One more thing to check out...

With this week of self-improvement in mind, I'm trying to aid myself in other areas....in reflection I'm concerned that my efforts are futile. What is the teacher motto...work smarter, not harder? Yes. I'm attempting to exert patience...the waiting game continues.

Finding a new roommate continues to prove challenging. Another option was taken off the table tonight...however another small hope emerged. We will prevail. The commune cannot be broken!

I don't normally blog twice in one day, but...

2008-03-09T10:35:00.004-04:00

I can't help myself. I just spent the last 30 minutes perusing entries from my blog as a freshman and sophomore in college. Reading over the memories I posted brought laughter and tears; many of the stories I had long forgotten among the throng of events from my undergraduate career.

My psyche as a freshman in college almost parallels mine from the fall of my first year teaching. Feelings of frustration, extreme loneliness, and almost despair mixed in with this haunting feeling on the unknown. I view myself as quite naive, which wasn't and shouldn't be viewed with disdain but as just an indication of how far I needed to grow.

Laments about politics, roommates, classes, mundane summer jobs seem so...insignificant compared to what I deal with on a daily basis. I am just so relieved that I never deleted that blog-- much of the thanks due to Garrett. It is important for me to reflect on who I was five years ago and the people involved in my life. Many of the characters are still around although our relationships have shifted and evolved.

There was a small pang of wishful thinking (oh, if only to be back) but it could never satisfy me now. My experiences in the past eight months have pushed me to a new plateau of thinking, even existing. Motivation and determination have to be foraged and not taken for granted, as they often were in college. Point blank: college was easy compared to this.

Names float around my head with the question of "where are they now?"...the people I considered most important to me just a few years ago are now just volumes on the shelf of my past.

" Taken in context,
It's not a bad thing,
But when you start to pick it apart,
It gets so depressed,
It's that sort of thing,
That makes you think too much,
It's that sort of thing,
Makes you lose your objectivity,

So if you made it,
Just be glad that you did and stay there,
If you ever feel loved or needed,
Remember that you're one of the lucky ones,
And if it's over,
Just remember what I told you,
It was bound to happen so just...
Keep moving on,
There are no perfect endings..."

Where did that hour go?

2008-03-09T10:12:00.000-04:00

Daylight Saving Time (and it is "saving" not "savings" as I learned from CBS Sunday Morning) still does not make sense to my Arizona mind. I found it depressing last night at 11:15pm to set the clocks ahead and realized that it was already Sunday. Boo.

One of my proudest accomplishments from this weekend: filing my federal and state taxes. This year proved a bit more complicated as I had to file two state returns (Arizona and North Carolina) as well as more documentation for my federal regarding moving costs and job-related expenses. Thanks to H&R Block's online tax program, it was quite easy to plug in all the information I needed. In 5-8 days, I will be a happy recipient of refunds (as opposed to last year where the federal government took a good chunk of my income and then demanded more!)

Is it worth it to drive to Durham or Wake Forest for a Starbucks this morning? Hmmm....

Not earning teacher of the week

2008-03-08T15:19:00.000-05:00

This past week wraps up one of my weakest performances in the classroom. A general apathy on my part mixed with a lack of sleep, unruly freshman and stormy weather made this week limp along in a most painful display. There were some moments of brilliance, including 4th period Friday where the students were actually doing the activity. Amen to the foldables that I love so much. RAFFLE Fridays also seem to aid in the creation of miracles.

Two more weeks until Spring Break. I'm feeling fairly burned out. We haven't had a break since January 23rd. That calculates out to two full months of working. Relentless pursuit indeed. I've been contemplating utilizing a sick day this week, but I would feel...weak. I'm feeling more motivated after such a sub-par performance. It's just that 4th period....the first two are making such progress. I had a senior who couldn't tell me what time it would be 15 minutes from that point actually start to understand the clock after working with her one-on-one. I have students working with money, creating the best amount of change possible; others are working on computers, improving their typing skills. It's great to see them actually gaining skills that are essential to the working world.

Anticipation is driving me towards the next few months. John and I both officially signed up for the June 16th LSAT. I will use Spring Break as quiet, study time since both of the boys will be gone. Danielle will be here the first weekend of April (!!!). She will be my first friend visitor-- I cannot wait. I feel that most of my friends have no clue what life in Henderson is truly like. You have to see it to believe it. My mom and I discussed our Washington D.C. weekend. Her excitement makes me even more excited. I'm even willing to bend my no-bus-tour rule to do a night tour of the monuments with her.

My relationship with my mom has developed into an even stronger bond since I've moved out here. I always considered my mom one of my best friends, but at this point in my life, I'd consider my mom my absolute best friend. She has been so supportive of me and always willing to listen to my worries, frustrations and joyous moments as a first-year teacher. Goodness, she even offered to sit in my IEP meetings when she visits in May (and, to top that, she offered to fill out paperwork for me). I miss my mom so much-- I worry about her. She's quite an independent woman who has such a caring, loving network of friends and relatives; at the same token, I know it's hard on her to have me on the other side of the United States. I think going home this summer will be good for both of us, even though she will be working most of the time. The mere thought of knowing someone is there waiting provides enough comfort to get us through the day.

Someone told me not to worry...

2008-03-02T13:24:00.001-05:00

so I'm not going to.

Another week of teaching to commence in T - 15 hours. Let's rock and roll.

Swallowing that jagged little pill...

2008-03-02T11:44:00.000-05:00

This week has marked a complete tidal wave of change in my summer plans.

First, I'm going to delay my Europe trip for one year. Multiple reasons exist for this shift. For one, my financial adviser (my father) discussed the exchange rate of the Euro and the dollar and how it will most likely continue to climb. He sees the upcoming change in Presidential power as a catalyst for an increase in investor/consumer confidence in the dollar. Furthermore, he made a deal with me that if the dollar does not strengthen, he will pay the difference between what I would have paid this year compared to next year. My uncle also made a good point: next summer will mark the end of my Teach for America obligation, so it will not only serve as a vacation but a celebration.

Another reason for postponement is our nebulous living situation for next year. Our lease ends July 16th. We are holding on to hope for one person to stay for a 3rd year and possibly move in across the street so someone from over there can move in. However, if that doesn't happen, John and I will need to move. That means I will need to be back here in mid-July, which conflicts with my previous travel plans. That also means another plane ticket out here (which equals another $250-300), and possibly other unplanned costs: a new security deposit to sign a new lease, moving costs (we'd have to get a truck for our furniture unless we could move up the street), purchasing of new items, etc.

I'll be honest: I'm a little frustrated at the present. Like I said before, I understand that teaching is not for everyone and that people need to seek out what makes them happy and brings their life fulfillment. However, the uncertainty of the future and the eventual costs (both financial and time) are adding more stress to my life that I certainly didn't want to have. I have moved every year for the past 5 years and am quite complacent to not have to move again. I realize that there was no intentional backlash; at the same token, it can be upsetting to not be kept informed of certain events or changes that will affect me and my next courses of action.

So, what this summer holds still remains a mystery. I certainly don't want to stay in Henderson. Unfortunately, I can't really afford to fly back home more than once, so once I return to NC, I think I just have to stay put. Hopefully I can help out with the '08 induction/orientation, at least something to keep me busy. Holding a part-time job will be nearly impossible since I'll be back in Arizona for part and then back here.

The glimmer of good change comes in the form of a plane ticket to Tucson for the first weekend in May, where I'll get to see my C-Dub senior friends for one of their last moments in school. May also marks family visitation month where both my dad/stepmom and my mom will be out for the majority of the month.

It's hard to believe it's already March. Three more months and I will have successfully completed my first year teaching. Hallelujah.

Changing Times...

2008-02-27T20:05:00.000-05:00

This week has been an interesting one as far as the classroom has been concerned. Frankly, there hasn't been much of a classroom setting. The students have been either working in their school-base jobs or working at District Office for community hours. I have had a few students in the classroom working on clerical skills (i.e. filing, cleaning, entering grades). I miss actual instruction, but I am starting to recognize the importance of this more experiential form of education.

Our roommate Adam informed us that he will most likely not be returning for his second year. John and I are perplexed on what to do as far as either finding a new roommate...or moving. We're hoping the former works out rather than the latter. We're waiting to hear from other '07 corps members and their living arrangements for next year. I recognize that Adam needs to do what is best for him, but the camaraderie of our house is so enjoyable. It will pain me to lose that.

I've become a staple at the basketball games...taking tickets and then watching the games. Our boys team is currently pursuing the state title. I find it almost ironic because I never watched my own boys team during high school (who did win state).

A student came into my 4th period and showed me how much he had accomplished in his 3rd period after I came in and worked with him in his computer class. Once again, I'm reminded on why I teach for America.

Saying goodbye to a best friend and family member...

2008-02-24T10:01:00.001-05:00

Yesterday morning, my mom informed me that she was taking Kitsy, my 17 year old cat, to the Humane Society to be put down. Over the last few weeks, Kitsy has exhibited signs of his aging-- unable to control his bladder and bowels, difficulty walking and jumping and general listlessness. She had warned me last week that his health was deteriorating and that we would need to be ready for the end time. Unfortunately, that time seemed to sneak up too quickly.

I have spent the past 24 hours crying over the loss of my baby kitty. Kitsy was my present for my 5th birthday. I had wanted a cat from the moment I first learned the word. When I got home from kindergarten that day, there was a note waiting on the kitchen table for me. It had clues referring to my birthday present, including that it had "4 paws" and said "meow". With the video camera recording the entire procession, we walked down the long hallway of our house on Sweetwater, and I proceeded to open my bathroom door. Out pranced the cutest orange and white kitten, which I quickly dubbed "Ciara" in our unanimous belief that the kitten was a girl. However, after our first visit to the vet, we learned quite the opposite, and thus was born Kitsy.

Kitsy and I had a tumultous relationship as a child. He was quite the free spirit and did not want some child attempting to confine him to games. In one spell of anger, I wanted to flush Kitsy down the toliet, so I held him over the lid. After receiving the necessary consequences (a la a spanking), my relationship with Kitsy changed from that moment forward. As I grew up, I sensed that he became more trusting of me as I let him live his life (in our first house, he was a hunter and thrived in the outdoor setting, often bringing in gifts for us that I was fortunate enough to clean up).

After my parents divorced and my mom and I moved into a smaller house, Kitsy became an indoors cat, which really prompted him to mellow out. The addition of Miss Marple seemed to bring out his more vulnerable, loving side, which continued to develop until yesterday.

It seems difficult to think of my life without my cat. He would always come prancing up to me on my trips home from college, eagerly awaiting my pets and coos. He would attempt to enter family photos during the holiday seasons. He loved to be brushed, and my mom and I would transform him into "The Lion King" by brushing out his mane. He would make these noises when he couldn't find any of us or wanted us to open a door-- it was this deep-throat "mao" which always made us chuckle. He would chase Marple to the food dish in the mornings and would concede to her, even if he made it first. If we left the front door open, he would sit by the screen door for hours, watching the world outside, as if he could recall what it once was like. He did try to escape from our 6th Lane house on a handful of occasions, but immediately froze up once he realized he had no clue where he was.

I remember when Kitsy ran away from our Sweetwater house. It turned out he had a urinary block, which cost our family $500-- which canceled our vacation, which would have included my first bunk-bed experience. At the time, none of us were too happy with him. But I am so thankful that he was found and treated.

Reflecting on his passing causes me much grief. It is difficult knowing and anticipating that when I come home next, he won't be waiting for me with his giant paws and periscope tail. It's also another reminder that I'm moving farther and farther away from the life that I have known and transitioning into adulthood. Regardless of how adult I felt before, I feel a great disconnect from my past life now than I have all of these months.

So, here's to you, Kitsy boy. No one can quite understand the relationship of a pet and his owner, but what should be understand and exalted is the joy that you brought into my life for 17 years. I will miss you always and will never forget the unceasing amount of love and forgiveness you gave me as we both grew up.

Starting all over

2008-01-26T10:17:00.000-05:00

Wednesday marked the beginning of another semester. Unlike most other teachers, I have the majority of the same students. Unfortunately, I don't have any of my seniors this semester, most of whom I loved to pieces. Instead I have a 4th period full of 19 freshman.

Now, these aren't your typical freshman. These students are OUT OF CONTROL (at least 14 of them). On the first day approximately 10 minutes into class, 2/3 of them were out of their seats, screaming in high-pitched voices and pretending to play fight. Out of the 19 students, I have five girls (although one hasn't showed up yet). Fourteen low to moderate functioning boys who have NO SELF CONTROL WHATSOEVER. It's insane. My first and second periods are utterly amazing. This will be a battle, for sure.

But, it caused me to reflect on my first week in the beginning of the semester, which was even more challenging and gut-wrenching. I can actually see my own growth projected into how I handle (and sometimes manhandle) my class. I'm really going to push my freshman this semester and attempt to keep them focused and motivated to complete their four years of high school.

One positive reflection on that particular group of students is that the most notorious students within the class, those that skip other classes, arrive tardy to most or all of their other classes, have NOT missed or been late to my class. Baby steps.

A quiet, work weekend awaits. I'm attending a baby shower this afternoon for one of my seniors. I will admit: I felt a little pang of maternal instinct while shopping for outfits and diapers. Those days are still many moons away...

I couldn't sleep last night...

2008-01-19T07:40:00.000-05:00

because I kept asking myself: "Am I getting my hopes up for nothing again?"

Five Quick Hits

2008-01-17T21:26:00.000-05:00

1. Overall, my students didn't do so well on their finals. Good thing I wasn't tracking (until this semester). But, the good news is that I think I finally have a better understanding of how to do this whole teaching business.

2. I need to start looking for mentor teachers to pick their brains about motivating students for success and continuing to demonstrate positive attitudes on a daily basis.

3. A student asked me today that he heard I let my students touch my butt. (sigh) My reply: "Hell no I don't let my students touch my butt. There is no touching in my classroom."

4. I STILL have not received my students for next semester. I will receive this the day before school starts. Organization? Hello?

5. The ultimate underlying and best news to remember: my students DID learn important skills...all of them learned at LEAST one important part of living independently and finding a job. Amen.

Now it's over...

2008-01-01T15:36:00.001-05:00

I spent my New Year's Eve with Jack McCoy and an array of assistant DAs and police officers as the 32 hour Law & Order marathon continued. I wasn't feeling much better after the plane trip so Jenn kindly dropped me off at home. I cooked a delicious dinner for myself (including chicken, which I have decided to eat again?), laid on the couch, and finished "The Corrections," which picked back up again in the last section.

I've never been one to stick to any resolutions that I've set. In reflection, 2007 was a fairly difficult year: finished school, ended a long relationship, moved (literally) across the country, started a new job, left behind all family and friends, and took up residence in Henderson. I'm looking forward to what 2008 holds. And I will admit--I do miss my students, just a little bit. If only I could concoct a transporter so visiting those back in Arizona wouldn't be constrained by costs (both time and monetary).

I teach my students to set goals for themselves, so in spirit of my curriculum, here are my goals for 2008:

--Run in a 10K

--Visit Eastern Europe

--Take yoga up again

--Visit Washington D.C. again

--Read 5 books from my bookcase that I purchased in hopes to read but have sat collecting dust

--drive less

--spend less money on my classroom

--start a new hobby

--enter something in either the Vance County Fair or the North Carolina State Fair

--Las Vegas-- March 2008

--get a job for the first part of the summer (eek)

--close the achievement gap!

Best Winter Break Ever (and it's still not over)

2007-12-29T12:31:00.001-05:00

I think I've reached that point in life where I am SO much more appreciative of time off, especially in the company of family and friends. I have done a minimal amount of work, and it has been exactly what I needed. Minus my battle with a cold, I have enjoyed every moment of winter break:

-Starbucks daily with a random assortment of dates: Dani, Missy, Matthew and Eric

-Christmas Eve with my dad, faux-ma, brother, uncle and family friends...full of delicious wine, orange ruffie, and the new-style Christmas exchange

-Christmas Day with mom and Auntie...and Denzel Washington, of course

-a beer at Barro's with the boys and the Suns

-dinner and a movie with Eric

-my fabulous trip to Tucson: spending quality driving time with Matthew, getting to see Garrett/Quin/AJ and his amazing house, peppering (!!), a little Wii, dinner at Guilin's and finding out FINALLY how to pronounce the restaurant's name, getting to see Joelle, Michael, Laura, Dave and meeting Matt's roommate Austin; hitting up Plush, Che's, O'Malley's AND Congress; dancing to the Mockingbirds and electro-pop; seeing old classmates, dormates and ex's; being extremely forward and finding success

-playing Beyond Balderdash and watching my father come back from last to first with that damn "z" word (and learning that osculating means "kissing", not the electronic fan movement as my stepmom tried to persuade us)

-Mexican food, frisbee and challenging our intellectual selves (are we REALLY smarter than 5th graders?) with Sam

-Mimi's with Christie and catching up on WAY too much time gone by

And the good news? It's not over yet. I'm having lunch today with two friends whom I haven't seen in over three years. I'm spending the rest of the day with my mom (!) and then tomorrow holds out more friend opportunities (including my favorite Vietnamese man).

There is a growing part of me that will dread the arrival of Monday morning. But, I know that it's time to go back and continue to kick ass and take names in Henderson. Well, at least try to close the achievement gap. New Years Resolution? Perhaps.

Inspired by Adam's blog...

2007-12-16T09:55:00.000-05:00

Things I plan to do over break:

Spend time with mom, Pat, Bette

Spend time with dad, faux-mom, Ryan, Phil

See (in npo) Dani, Laura, Garrett, Missy, Matthew, Tina, Eric, Sam, Joelle, Michael, Brian and everyone else

Visit Tucson

Run in the beautiful weather

Go to the movies

Study for the LSAT

Finish "The Corrections"

Cook dinner for my mom

Sleep

Relax

Play with my cats

Tres

2007-12-12T21:21:00.001-05:00

Part #3: Respect

So when in the continuum of educating a child did we leave out the valued characteristic of respect? Why do some students find it appropriate (and necessary) to retort to a grown adult that "I ain't gonna listen to your bull shit" among other slurs often targeting gender, race and my department (I ain't one of your EC kids).

Well, you certainly aren't a student of English either, young lad or miss. But, really: who TAUGHT their CHILD that talking to ANYONE like that is and will continue to be acceptable? That baffles my mind.

Most of my students are respectful. Even when they're upset and speak out in anger, most are quick to retract their statements or smother them with a sincere apology. Yet, this does not apply to all students in the school. Somehow students have equated a request to remove a hood to an assault on their character.

This should quash all ideals that Southerns are the most polite. Luckily, this does seem to be the minority of students (and people in general).

Dos

2007-12-11T17:52:00.000-05:00

Focus #2: Relations

One of the most trying aspects of this job is that it CONSUMES you-- your mind, body, spirit, heart. It's impossible to separate yourself from you do you. It defines you and your very existence, from the choices you make to what you end up dreaming about each night.

I have found it exceptionally difficult as of late being single in a region that doesn't afford numerous options in the romantic sector. Gentlemen here are either too old, too taken, or too....lived (aka children). As another TFA teacher termed it: "The men are either taken, unacceptable or gay." Well, the third category does not apply to our corps. The options in the corps are beyond limited.

Currently, I'm entering my 7th month of singlehood, which is the longest I have been single since before the age of 16. Some of single life has been good-- I feel like I have been able to grow on my own for the first time in years. I don't have that issue of dependency, concerns about what I'm doing and who it will affect, the stress of time and making time for someone else.

But the ache of wanting to be with someone has started to come back...louder and louder. It just seems like my luck has....waned. A recent rejection...and an unattainable desire leaves me...ready for a more social environment.

Uno

2007-12-10T21:27:00.001-05:00

I realize that I haven't posted since the beginning of November, so I'm going to try and post each night this week and reflect on what's gone on.

Tonight's focus: Investment

It's interesting how split the environment is within my classroom. There are students who REALLY excel in the classroom. They participate, stay organized, score well on tests, complete assignments and demonstrate true leadership in the classroom. Most of the members of this group are female.

On the other hand, we have our low achievers, the students whose behavior and attitudes disable them from learning within the classroom setting. There are not many of these, but the majority are freshman boys. They horseplay, fail to listen, speak extremely disrespectfully and are constantly trying to prove themselves.

Case in point: Today, I took my 2nd and 3rd periods to Walmart and Food Lion to go price shopping. It's an important living skill for students to know how to compare prices of products. One of my freshman males (Low Achiever or "LA") had broken his belt before leaving campus, so I purchased him a new belt at Walmart and made him put it on immediately.

After leaving the second store, I come to find out that this student and another student STOLE lunchables from the Food Lion. The police, assistant principals, directors of EC are summoned from the four corners of the world. It turns into a nightmare, with three students total confessing to stealing, and each will now be serving a 5-day suspension sentence.

But what irks me the most is that I try SO hard to invest these students in my class. I spend more time trying to bring excitement and knowledge to them, more so than my middle class (whom I'll pontificate on another time) that it just KILLS me to see them basically say "fuck you" to me through their actions (and sometimes their language, on a good day).

I feel like I have great relationships with 95% of my students. Yet, there are those 5% that continue to spoil activities for the other students. Sometimes I wish these students could be permanently removed from the education setting, but I realize that's not the most sensitive, kind-hearted soundbyte.

Calling parents, spending one-on-one time, showing interests...it's not hard, and I enjoy it...but when do you know or come to the realization that you just can't reach a child?

Can you?

Brrr...

2007-11-01T19:12:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling more burned out than usual in this 3-day work week (one more day to conquer tomorrow). This week has been racked with meetings galores (what else is new?) and a new unit. I'm more tired than usual this week. I've been racked with a bit of anxiety the past night and definitely didn't sleep very well.

I had a re-invigorating meeting with my program director tonight. I needed that-- a refocus, another voice to share into how can I best teach my students. Ironically, tomorrow is a non-teaching day of sorts. Tomorrow is super make-up day where my students will start catching up on work, track their progress on their objectives and make test corrections. I've started incorporating independent reading into my class after I was able to purchase books (not to mention my 4-in-1, overhead, and cash register!) after my donor.

My personal life needs a kickdrive. I'm running in our school's 5k on Saturday (whee!) I'm going HOME in ONE WEEK. I CANNOT WAIT. I miss my friends SO much. I miss my MOM and DAD and my FAUX-MA and my AUNTS and UNCLES and OH MY GOODNESS. I really, really do. Sometimes I get so caught up in feeling sad about what I'm missing out on (Camp Wildcat, my UA friends' lives) that I forget to enjoy the moments in my life. I look forward to Law & Order SVU and coming home. I feel so blessed that I live with 2 excellent roommates.

I'm also looking forward to New Year's and a certain visitor is coming to visit. A certain visitor whom I have some unfinished business with (that sounds so sadistic)-- not meaning so either. He might even restore my faith in men...

On a beautiful Saturday afternoon...

2007-10-27T14:46:00.000-04:00

It's a perfect day for contemplation as Adam grades papers and I break down test questions into their respective objectives for TFA tracking purposes. This week was a much brighter one in my classroom as my students seemed genuinely back on track in the academic progress. We worked through job interviews, follow-up letters, various adult service agencies and choked out a research paper in my 4th period. (Note to self: NEVER attempt again.)

This week marked the halfway point of the semester, and it's hard to remember what life was like 9 weeks ago and where it will be at this point in the following semester. Frustration remains. I had a sharp spike in my frustration yesterday during my planning period to the point of breaking down and crying in front of the Job Coach. No one likes to feel unliked and unwanted, and as a first year teacher, I feel like a lone wolf in my department.

Much frustration also stems from the environment that seems to cultivate this "achievement gap." In the past 9 weeks, I've had several students who have had parents pass away, one student is currently in the hospital battling leukemia and stories of their pasts involving rape, molestation and other horrific crimes have floated into present-day conversation. How can I expect my students to sit down and take notes on Community Recreation Centers when there's so much holding them back, most of which is completely out of their control? I realize that TFA is pro-don't factor in the environment (in some respects, not all gung-ho) but that strikes me as beyond realistic. If my students aren't eating at home, how can they come to school and function like other students?

Teacher-life has become my whole life, which I will attempt to break again in two weeks when I return to Phoenix over Veteran's Day weekend. I am chomping at the bit to get home and reconnect with my family and friends. This is the longest that I've been away from home consistently (over 3 months), and it will be a blessing to feel my life enriched with all things non-teacher and non-TFA.

I often wonder what life would be like i had chosen another path. This certainly is a challenge and one that I both embrace and at times want to regret. There are moments where I say: "Yes! YES! This is why I do this" and there are others where I say: "If I only I had gone to Japan..." or "If only I had pushed myself to apply for law school...".

But, I can't say that I truly regret where I am. I love my students. I really do. They have shaped me and my perspectives so much already, and I can't wait to see where else they take me in this journey. I love my roommates and TFA friends. They have supported me and brought new forms of joy into my life. I love North Carolina and its tranquil beauty and pseudo-Southern charm.

I'll can honestly say that nothing else in my life will be harder than this. I started reading some Supreme Court docket for PLEASURE last night. It's got nothing on long-term planning.

An interesting twist of fate...

2007-10-18T20:17:00.000-04:00

After falling prey to pink eye yesterday, I had to take a "sick" day today in order to visit the local medical facility in order to receive some medication. Earlier this morning, a water main broke in Henderson and all schools in Vance County were actually canceled due to no water available in the schools. Hence, today became a free day for all. Tomorrow we will be on a shortened schedule, which means that chaos will be in the front seat. I'm preparing for review activities and other learning-based games.

This week has been MUCH better than last. My classes have been smaller and more manageable. Students have been eager to learn and helping each other in ways that I had not even dreamed to witness in my classroom. There were still challenges but nothing that seemed as daunting as last week.

I'm looking forward to the weekend, especially after the pink eye clears up. Dave is stopping through on Saturday, so we're going to go the NC State Fair. Other than that, I plan on trying to do some catching up on my tracking tomorrow night (after a much needed visit to the gym). Last weekend was...too hard. However, thanks to the kindness of my godmother, I get to go home for Veteran's Day weekend. It will be MUCH needed and I cannot WAIT to see my family.

What happened?

2007-10-12T17:20:00.000-04:00

I saw two of my students beat the crap out of each other today....after 2 of my students were arrested 1.5 hours before for fighting.

This week was...TERRIBLE. Three IEP meetings, a hectic field trip, bad attitudes, too much paperwork, not enough time. This weekend could not have come fast enough. I have a lot of work to catch up on this weekend...not to mention how I'm going to get my students back on pace for better attitudes. One method I'll be using is to reorganize my room on Sunday-- gut it and get it JUST how I want it.

More later. Time for more reflection...and TV.

A MUCH needed weekend

2007-10-07T21:51:00.000-04:00

Instead of sitting around the house, fretting about upcoming lessons, IEP meetings, Homecoming and the other 10,000 things sitting on my plate, I left Henderson at 5am on Saturday morning in pursuit of the Amtrak station in Rocky Mount, North Carolina. I almost didn't make it. It was pitch black; none of my interior lights work in my car. I had to open the glove compartment and use the light from that in order to read the Google directions. I missed a turn and drove 15 miles the wrong way because the signs are ridiculously small (and the complete absence of light does not help). On top of all this, I was driving sans coffee and needed it desperately at this point.

But, I arrived at the station about 15 minutes prior to my train's departure. In light of Amtrak's cruel irony, my train was an hour late, so I would have made it regardless. I arrived in Washington D.C. at about 1pm, and spend the next 24 hours reviving my energies with a few of my favorite people in the entire world. Laura was in D.C. for a Society of Professional Journalists' conference. Allison still lives there and now with her beau Jason. Anca took the bus over from New York later Saturday night. It was a weekend of reconnecting through eating, shopping, more eating, drinking, walking, laughing, talking, more eating, Metro rides, more drinking and even some sight-seeing. I stayed with Allison and Jason on my favorite little IKEA pullout in their adorable new apartment. Dave even came over last night and joined our entourage. Writing this at 7:00pm on my train ride home, I can promise you that this weekend absolutely saved my sanity.

This week will be one of my most challenging ones as an educator. With 3 IEP meetings scheduled and 2 more that need to happen, a field trip, multiple lesson plans and projects to be completed, and the entire Homecoming debacle I'm fighting, I realize that I will be fighting from Monday through Saturday. My saving grace is this past weekend. Sometimes we forget how dear our friends are to us, even if we haven't seen them in over a year. The connections that we forage in our precious time together are unbreakable. I hope to reconnect with all of my friends throughout the course of this year because as people continue to move on in their lives, the possibility of taking the time to see each other will be much harder to come by.

In good ol' Henderson fashion, I feel blessed this Sunday evening. The beautiful, humble, selfless people that I spent my weekend with remind me why I continue to push myself in pursuing better lives for my students, why I decided to take on the challenge that I did, and why I'm the person I am today. I can trace my strength, my vision and my adventurous spirit back to those who have forever impacted my life for the better.

Less than 2 months to Thanksgiving....

2007-10-04T06:41:00.000-04:00

Time seemed to move faster this week. On the flip side, my attitude toward teaching has taken a decline this week too. I haven't felt prepared at all. I have felt overwhelmed by paperwork, IEP meetings, and SGA. I feel that I can catch-up a little bit today. All I can think about it leaving Saturday morning to D.C. and seeing my friends from home. Friends that can bring me back to where I want to be...

My goals for this month:

--to bring in a guest speaker to my classroom
--to actually read a book for myself
--to have 5 more students read books independently (I have 4 right now!)
--to call home more often

I need to work on making this part of my routine...

2007-09-30T21:18:00.000-04:00

Frustration seems to be constant. Frustrated that I can't teach in order to accomodate all of my students' needs. Frustrated that my caseload kids are in jail or out on weapons charges and the paperwork increases. Frustrated that I feel my department is not behind me. Frustrated that I can't motivate some of my students to learn. Frustrated that I can't handle my 2nd period at times and I become the teacher I don't want to be.

But when I think about all that starts to frustrate me, I force myself to take a step back and take a deep breath. I'm only one person. And I have to remind myself: what was life like in that classroom before I came? I have a good sense of what is wasn't and that's why I will wake up tomorrow, ready for another day of battle.

Teach for America needs to come with a warning label: this is hard. No, this is really freaking hard. No experience can shape you for it. Poverty engulfs Henderson like a disease. It stifles any attempt at growth and the same mindsets continued to be recycled. I'm sure this happens in the rural areas of our country, where "pro" is replaced by "re" and then just "gress".

We discussed at our TFA training this weekend in Durham about how TFA has become coupled with this idea of a "white person's 2 year training ground" and then the white people leave and all are left are these insinuations that white people are trying to fix what people of color have done wrong. (sigh) This is a tough label to overcome. Maybe it cannot be overcome but merely dismantled. I don't think that I have the answers for it; I would argue that most people don't and if we did, our world wouldn't exist still in racially-defined terms.

It's the sixth week of school, and I'm trying to keep myself from falling into the "dillusional" phase of the first year teacher mentality wheel. I need to regain control of my classroom tomorrow morning. I need to regain control of my sanity and my understanding of what I can and cannot do feasibly in one day. I need to remember that I'm 22 and I need to take care of myself before I can take care of others. But, even with that in mind, I need to remember that time is precious -- and my students need me to be ready tomorrow and the next day and every day after because if I'm not, I will only fail them. Most have experienced enough failure in their lives.

I saw a quote-- "Good teaching is 1/4 preparation and 3/4 theater." Amen, to that.

3 weeks done and what I have learned?

2007-09-16T08:31:00.001-04:00

At the end of 3 weeks, these are my realizations:

1. Yelling will never solve problems in the classroom. You must stay calm, take a deep breath, and use a more convincing voice. Well, unless a student is trying to break through the door to go beat up another student. Then, you plant yourself in the doorway and let the other students try to pull him away as he tries his best to get by you.

2. Praise changes lives on a daily basis. Give it often and noticeably.

3. Candy also changes lives on a daily basis. But wrappers will never be thrown away.

4. Healthy competition can make even the quietest student a superstar.

5. Those who would not do work the first of school are now plugging along and bringing up their grade.

6. Parent phone calls are beyond important. They're essential.

7. My administration is wonderful.

8. My department is interesting, to say the least.

9. The copy room at 6:30am is the equivalent to a July afternoon, 3pm in the swamps. But minus the alligators.

10. You have to smile. Most of my students don't see teachers smile. They see discipline, all the time. A smile can take the day up a notch.

11. Guided notes are the best thing since sliced bread.

12. Find your students talents and interests and run with them.

13. Sometimes one-on-one time is more important than addressing the whole group.

14. My students want to learn. This is the key to everything.

15. I must ensure more balance in my life. This is where I will start this week.

As the weekend draws closer...

2007-09-13T21:36:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow is my students first exam. I'm a little nervous. I made a study guide for them, but who knows if they will actual process the information? Most of them seemed more concerned about getting the paper filled in rather than worrying about WHAT they were filling in.

It's funny what little things you look forward to in your day: certain students, the smile of a familiar teacher or other staff member, the trip to the YMCA, coming home to your roommates, night times of parent phone calls. Random phone calls also make my day (hint hint).

I realized how much I miss my family. I wish Christmas was tomorrow.

After some "Facebook" goading...

2007-09-11T16:21:00.002-04:00

So, instead of lesson planning, I'll make a little entry.

Life is...exhausting. The first week of school was hell. The first day was super hell. Students were disrespectful. There was back-talking, name-calling. My first week ended with a student throwing a Starburst at my head. Week 2 was better. But, it was only 4 days, I had a sub one day due to meetings, and one of my periods was canceled due to a pep assembly.

Week 3 hasn't started on the sunniest notes. I've yelled both days. I hate yelling. I HATE YELLING. (humor, I know). I need to develop more patience. I try. And the funny thing is that the majority of my students are WONDERFUL. Just a few really try to push my buttons.

My students are learning...responding...participating...sometimes enjoying class. It's still only week 3...routines still haven't been completely developed. We'll continue working.

But this has really made me think: could I really be a teacher? Or more so, do I want to be a teacher? I miss the intellectual companionship of the university setting. Graduate school is seeming more and more likely.

Things could be worse. I keep trying to think of the good moments of classes. There are a lot. My students make me laugh a lot. I just wish I had one more pair of eyes. I mean, 23 EC students by myself? I don't think that's even legal. I'm exhausted every night. I run around the classroom because my students are dependent (and not to blame them. They're just on such varied levels it's hard to cater to each of their needs.)

I miss home. I miss Tucson. I miss my family and friends terribly. There are wonderful friends here as well, but those nights of chatting in our house, Project Runway nights, coffee breaks at Epic and Bentley's, dinners out, camping trips, intramurals...it's all gone. All of it. And it will forever be. And I know that...but part of me just wishes I could have taken just more time.

And with that, the first TFA deadline is September 21st. Are you game?

I'm Right Where I'm Supposed to be....right?

2007-08-20T22:29:00.001-04:00

It's hard to believe that school started again at the UA today. School here still seems so far off, but just a mere 5 days separates my students from me. After a week of county training sessions for new teachers, a drug test, more fingerprinting, benefits signing, we actually started back at our schools today.

From my previous post, my placement has changed again. I'm serving as the Occupational Preparation teacher for 9-12th grade EC students. The details of my actual job are still sketchy, even after interacting with the other EC teachers at my school. Drama seems to abound, and I plan to stay far away from it. I'm becoming more anxious to meet my students as I plan out the first two days of class. As it stands at this moment, I would be teaching all OCU classes in one period and have to leave school occasionally to go out to work sites with my students, who apparently do a lot of janitorial work. I'm hoping to open up more opportunities for them in regards to their community-based work and competitive-pay work.

Life in Henderson moves slowly. We had a TFA training up in Gaston this weekend. We managed to get lost both on the way up AND the way back; the training was mostly work time for me as I have no one to collaborate with...

I wanted to make a good impression on the neighbors, so I baked cookies on Sunday (they were delicious). I never made an effort to get to know neighbors...ever. So, I feel this is both a good step as far as becoming a true adult as well as showing my appreciation for North Carolina hospitality. Whenever I venture out to stores here, I get asked if I'm a teacher. The education sector is the biggest employer in Vance County. That does have a telling impression on the town's stats, especially regarding income....

I have felt more doubt today than I have in the past. Can I really do this? I know I CAN in some capacity-- but it's not what I had imagined. Part of me wishes that I was a general education teacher, like most everyone else....who don't have to worry about IEPs and work hours and teaching FOUR different classes in each period. But, I guess this is all a part of the humility, respect and flexibility that TFA preaches. All I have to say to that is...

Amen.

A continued indefinte placement

2007-08-02T17:58:00.002-04:00

After talking with one of the new administrators at Northern Vance, I have tentatively been placed as a resource room teacher, specifically for reading skills. I'm more keen on this idea than co-teaching, but he did warn me that this could change depending on the number of students and the classes available.

Of course, I haven't even touched my standards yet. I've looked at them...and they seem...daunting, at least. That's what those 10+ hour days in the car next week are about. It's hard to believe that today is my last full day as an Arizona resident.

The beginning is often the end...

2007-07-20T19:21:00.002-04:00

"Where I am From" (Institute Style)

I am from Phoenix, Arizona, the Valley of the Sun,
the warm summer breezes, the almost-champion Suns,
my family, friends and 17 years of school
that have prepared me for tomorrow.

I am from Raleigh, North Carolina,
the first tastes of sweet tea and grits and the birthplace of Tar Heels.
I am from 74 other corps members
with minds as brilliant, talents as genuine and excitement as fruitful
and pure as my own.

I am from Atlanta, Georgia,
the sights and sounds of bustling streets and Lil' Wayne, abject poverty mixed in with
tourists and the CNN building where anchors report on news happening
around the world and not around the corner.

I am from Teach for America,
the organization that's greatest goal is NOT to exist,
because if resources were equal and mindsets were altered
than disparities between the haves and have nots would forever be wiped away.

I am from Long Middle School, the home of the Tigers,
where the administration concocts its own rules on how to treat students,
where I'm not a teacher but a corps member,
in the beautiful brick facade on Cleveland Avenue.

I am from G307 with its long, sterile interior and unusual table arrangement,
where 11, eventually 10, students depend on me and my ability to instruct,
where idioms, internal rhyme and plot remain ambiguous, intangible terms until
we open a short story by Gary Soto or Langston Hughes.

I am from "Long Diet Coke" with 11 other CMs and an amazing leader,
where arms are embracing and consoling, ideas are flowing and spun-out,
where Hershey kisses wait by the door after the failures and successes of the morning,
where we all become rockstars in between our laughter, tears and frustration.

I am from CS sessions full of behavioral management and investment,
from learning how to create an effective opening and those other famed 4 steps,
from feeling overloaded on information to wanting more than can be provided,
from TAL, CMC, IPD, ISAT, DCA, push backs and too many acronyms.

I am from Literacy Liz and reading comprehension skills,
from differentiation and copious notes in between pre-packed lunches.
I am from DCA and discussions of race and privilege, unpacking bias
and the understanding that I am who I am (not guilty, as charged).

I am from the late nights mastering lesson plans that would look grand on paper
but turn into a nightmare in the classroom because of my own assumptions.
I am from early mornings, too much coffee and questioning myself:
can I do this for 2 years?

I am from my students who taught me who I should be and who I was not,
who I could be and who I needed to work on in order to be successful.
I am from my faculty advisor who took the time out of her day to guide,
teach me my own strengths and my own weaknesses.

I am from me, a leader, a follower, a source of encouragement,
and an individual who always could use extra motivation.
I am from the world, the sanctity of life, the rules that keep me safe
and provoke me to challenge.

Now, I must go and be from somewhere new. A new classroom, a new group of students, new peers, new challenges, new victories...

a new way of thinking.